Without You Lord, I am Nothing

So much time has passed, I scarcely know where to begin. However, this is not about me. It is about a life affected by the Lord.

The last years have been trying to say the least. What I have found most difficult to bear is the time of spiritual dryness. I have endured a protracted time of barrenness in my relationship with the Lord, and it has been agonizing.

To my shame, I had harbored thoughts in my heart so deeply, I didn't even know they were there. I had the audacity to believe in some way all I had learned and studied about God's Word was a result of work I had done. I supposed the knowledge was my own. In my pride, the Lord "slapped me off my donkey." His discipline to such an attitude was swift and justifiably harsh, and I am glad.

It taught me a lesson I will not soon forget. I came to the immediate understanding that without the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I do not even have the capacity to comprehend the words in the Book, let alone to soak into their rich and deep context. The great beauty I have experienced in the pages of His Word has absolutely nothing to do with me nor any intrinsic ability on my part. I have enjoyed profound revelation of His glory in the pages of His Word only through the gift of His grace and generosity. He has delighted my soul.

When the realization of my arrogance arose in my mind, I was immediately cut off from understanding. Throughout the months and years to follow, I would occasionally have a moment of clarity in which He would show me in my desperation that He was still with me and had not abandoned me altogether. Those times, however, were few and far between and mere fleeting glimpses of closeness I yearned to experience everlasting.

As well, during this time, I had asked a professional writer friend of mine if there was any potential in my writing. The response cut me to the quick. I was informed that my writing is "not interesting." I have wrestled with this declaration for quite some time now. At first, I felt hurt mixed with no small amount of embarrassment. I decided never to write again. But I waver as I am reminded of His question to me, "If I were the only one listening, would you write anyway?" Yes, Lord, I would.

Well, this season of desolate isolation appears to be nearing its conclusion. I find myself in a place of refreshment and renewal, and my soul rejoices!

Since I have received many more messages indicating the writing the Lord has put on my heart touches the souls of others, I have decided to fulfill my promise to my Father. Yes Lord, I will write as though You are the only one listening. I will extol You. I will allow my soul to sing of the good things You show me. I will never again take them for granted nor will I allow myself to harbor vanity in my heart.

Without You Lord, I am nothing.